Feeding Strawberries to Pigs Page 6

  ‘Let’s call her Lou-Anne.’

  Her mother looked shocked and quickly looked at her sister.

  Bridget smiled and looked happy.

  Some months later as she played with her little sister, Marion realised she hadn’t seen or thought about Miss Carrie for months.

  ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A TOILET FAIRY

  A toilet fairy’s life may not seem glamorous, but to me it is almost perfect, because I live with James at ‘Moonlight Cottage’. I cook, clean and shop for him but he doesn’t know I exist.

  My name is Tina toilet fairy by the way. And James has certainly changed since I came into his life. I found James at the top of a garden; I had run away from home after a lover’s quarrel with a sprite with the unromantic name of Ron. I could tell James had a good heart, even if he did have what some would describe as a ‘pizza face’ and a love of anorak coats, but I know the ‘silk purse from sow’s ears’ spell so I transformed him. He also lived in a very untidy flat which; ‘boasted’ mushrooms around the bath and lime scale encrusted toilets.

  Anyway, back to me. I’m the one that cleans the toilets and ensures that their lids are always put down, that’s where I get my name. I also clear away breakfast things and make beds. At first, James did notice something was different, but now he takes his good looks, tidy home and sparkling toilets for granted. He just comes in and pats the laughing Buddha in the hall. He thinks it is the stuff from the Feng Shui catalogue that changed his luck. And after all his favourite childhood story was ‘The ugly duckling’. It is amazing what humans believe in!

  But it’s all my work and what for? I love him, but he loves someone else. It’s not fair being a fairy, people only ever think of us at Christmas time. We are alright to put on the top of trees, but then we are put away again without second thought.

  I wish I hadn’t overheard that telephone conversation. The words keep going around my head, like bees in a foxglove. Gosh this mirror is filthy. Look at me, hey Feng shui mirror, what do you make of me?

  ‘You’re not bad looking, but you could do with a makeover. Have you ever seen ‘Groundforce’?

  ‘I’m a toilet fairy, not a water feature and I need more useful advice. Be quiet or you will be smeared for life.’

  ‘Sorry, I thought looks mattered, otherwise there would be no need for me.’

  ‘I like my blue hair and matching gossamer dress, even if it is impractical for housework, it makes me feel more feminine. I’m only a toilet fairy; I don’t move in royal circles and hang out at christenings. Anyway he can’t see me, and it’s too late anyway. Do you listen into ‘phone conversations too?’

  ‘No, I just watch the hall and try and keep the riffraff out. But I have seen his new girlfriend. Much better skin than the others.’

  ‘You’ve seen her? I must find her and talk her out of this, tell her the truth.’

  ‘So what did you overhear?’

  ‘James has asked his girlfriend to move in and he hopes she will marry him.’

  ‘But if she does James will return to the state he was in before I found him.’

  ‘You mean he will start squeezing his spots all over me again? This is serious!’

  ‘I love James whatever he looks like, but once a human marries him my magic will not work. What can I do?’

  ‘Don’t ask me, life is much simpler when all you do is reflect others views.’

  ‘I wish James could see me, then I could tell him I love him. I wish I could tell him that I have been looking after him for years. He doesn’t need a wife, he has me.’

  ‘Only two wishes? Why waste time on men, they are really vain. I should know.’

  ‘I wish James was a fairy, but he isn’t’

  ‘Look there was something I did hear. She is a solicitor and she works for a company that’s got a name like ‘Right’, James made a joke said she was the right woman for him. It made her giggle.’

  ‘It should be me giggling with James; the address will be in the book with the pretty yellow pages.’

  ‘Well yellow means happiness in China, good luck.’

  I do feel a bit silly hovering outside ‘Wright and Partners Solicitors’.

  That must be her. I’m going in!

  ‘Clare are you going to do any work today?’

  ‘Sorry Sue, but I feel like I’m in a dream. James has asked me to move in.’

  ‘Are you sure that’s not a nightmare? When you work with divorce all day it’s hard not to be cynical. But I have to say, he has been good for your skin- you’re looking great’

  ‘It’s like a fairy tale.’

  ‘Oh dear you do have it bad. Well I hope there is a happy ending, and that he doesn’t believe in toilet fairies, self-loading and unloading dishwashers, not to mention homing pigeon underpants that fly into laundry baskets.’

  ‘Well I do, why shouldn’t he?’

  Ah If only they knew, but how does this Sue know about what I do? Clare is pretty, but look at those long nails! I can tell she doesn’t like housework. Poor James.

  ‘Anyway Sue, James is a wish come true. I have a turkey wishbone to thank. My mother said it was so large that I could safely make three wishes. And they have all come true.’

  Feng shui and now wishbones, sometimes I think humans are very silly.

  I’m going back to Moonlight Cottage; it’s going to be harder than I thought she’s under someone’s spell.

  ‘Hi mirror I’m back.’

  ‘At last, there’s a very strange fairy in the kitchen looking for a pumpkin.’

  ‘Ooh there’s only one person that could be, Libby my Godmother.’

  ‘Now Tina I have been watching you, and I can’t say that I like what I’ve seen. When are you going to spread your wings and stop believing in those out-dated fairy stories? I bought you a book a while ago, did you read it?’

  ‘Oh you mean that one about Cinderella’s complexion?’

  ‘You haven’t read it have you?’

  ‘Sorry I’ve been too busy looking after James.’

  ‘Now my dear, you should have known that James would meet a girl and fall in love.’

  ‘But I love James. He is all I wished for.’

  ‘You should have left him the way he was. And sent him out in dirty shirts, that he has to pick off the floor where he has left them. Surely no girl in her right mind would fancy him, once she had seen his smelly flat and filthy sheets.’

  ‘Sorry Libby, but have you ever been in love? I did those things because I loved him and what other work is there for fairies these days? All those pesticides have driven us into the service industry.’

  ‘Ah but look at me I was happy making my own wishes come true until the credit crunch ruined everything. The money market was easy for us fairies, we have always been good at predicting futures, but now I’m back to helping hapless girls find their princes again.’

  ‘Well serves you right Libby and Clare has a good reason to believe in fairy tales.’

  ‘Well, Clare is in for a shock. Imagine marriage without a wand! It will be no fairy story, when all they discuss is spot cream and whose turn it is to put the bins out. Now find yourself a new job.’

  ‘Yes Libby.’

  ‘You know you lost Ron, because of your lack of ambition. What Sprite wants his wife cleaning toilets for idle humans?’

  ‘Ron should have loved me the way I was and stopped trying to change me. Besides, I need someone more down to earth.

  ‘But James doesn’t even believe in fairies. We all need someone to believe in us, or we must believe in ourselves. You could go to the top of the tree if you wanted to. These days we’ve got to write our own stories, or someone else will. Got to go, I’ve just predicted a run on the dollar.’

  ‘Bye Libby, but don’t forget money can’t buy you love’

  ‘Ok, mirror, how do I find another job?’

  ‘I’ve always wanted a job in a ladies sauna, but the steam would be bad for me. But you know he is not married yet, I’d go shop
ping, buy myself some new clothes; that wildwood Titania look is so dated dear. Have you tried Ghost?’

  ‘Do you think so?’

  ‘I know so; it’s all minimalist now, or ‘floaty’ see-through numbers. Then take a holiday, chill out on pollen wine, rest your wand and I bet while you are away, this girlfriend will see the real James.’

  ‘Oh mirror there’s more to you than meets the eye!’

  ‘My pleasure, buy some books too. I’ve heard

  ‘ Why men can barbecue and witches just fry. ’ is a good beach read.And ‘ The hunk at the top of my garden – a guide to enchanting men .’ could come in very useful.’

  Six months later.

  Well I am back at Moonlight cottage and it looks remarkably tidy.

  ‘Well met at ‘Moonlight Cottage’ at last fair Tina, had a good holiday?’

  ‘Ron what are you....?’

  ‘Oh you could say I’m ‘moonlighting’, from the Christmas ornament business. I’ve been Claire’s handy sprite for a while actually. They are getting on really well; I’ve permanently cured their spots by the way. You look great too!’

  ‘Well Ron, you’ve changed too.’

  ‘Handy work tones you up. Your plan has failed Tina’

  ‘So, what happens now?’

  ‘If this was a story, I would take you in my arms and kiss you. We would get married and live happily ever after. Make a wish; have me for life not just for Christmas.’

  ‘But fairies can’t make their own wishes come true, it’s against the rules.’

  ‘Tina, let’s make each other’s wishes come true.’

  ‘Aren’t you worried that my wishes may be different to yours?’

  ‘Reading your mind Tina, I can tell we are going to live happily ever after.’

  Ron was wrong because little did he know that at that very moment the man of my dreams was away fetching his crock of gold. I suppose you’d call me a gold digger but with my new leprechaun beau, I didn’t have to do any of the digging!

  Ron should never have told me my work was demeaning, any sprite who only works once a year puts a dress on, and sits on the top of a spiky tree should keep quiet about career choices!

  NO MORE JOBS AT WOOLWORTHS

  Wait till she gets in the little madam! I’ll give er what for. I’ve just had the school on the ‘phone that snooty secretary rang me to say

  ‘Ms. Finch your daughter Kyley has not reported for registration and is marked as absent can you confirm this please.’

  All hoighty, toighty like. And I rings Kyley’s mobile and she don’ answer it. It was er mock maths GSCE today, and she bunks off! I’ve been telling er that in my day if you don’t get your CSE’s at least there was always jobs at Woollies. Well not anymore! I know what she’ll say about er phone, outacredit!

  Well here she is!

  ‘Right madam, you can get upstairs and clean your bedroom, cos you are well out of order.’

  ‘But Mum.’

  ‘Don’t you, but mum me, upstairs young lady and get cleaning.’

  Well that told her! I need a fag!

  I look at job ads in the local paper. At least I’m ok, plenty of work for care assistants, loads of bums need wiping! I wanted something better for Kyley. She’s a bright girl, but it’s the same old same old, like me she’s discovered boys! And now it’s make-up and dates are all what matters. She keeps asking why we aven’t got a computer, says she’s deprived cos she can’t go on msn and facebook like Jade. Well Jade’s mum and dad are loaded and I struggle wiv no support from Kyley’s dad. It’s down to me her success or failure. Me mum and dad try to help, but they were never the brightest tools in the box and look what I turned out like!

  An yes I ended up working at Woollies and my friend Shirley worked at the Bata shoe factory. Those with a few CSEs did secretarial courses and went up to London on the train to work for Commercial Union but it was rich usbands we all dreamed of, a rich guy who would buy you a house, take you on holidays to Spain and ban you from working ever again. Ah but it never appened to me, pregnant at 17 with Kyley’s big brother and look what became of im! I hears nuffink from im and that’s the best way for things to stay. Bad news just like his bloody father.

  And who is this at the door? Oh my God it’s the Old Bill, what the ell has she done now?

  ‘Ms. Finch?’

  ‘Yes’

  ‘Mother of Kyley Finch?’

  ‘Yes and what the ell has she done now?’

  And they tell me somethink so amazing! I am gob-smacked and then I feels so guilty like. So I call up the stairs in my sweetest voice.

  ‘Kyley love, come down here please.’

  Here she comes and God do I feel bad.

  ‘Kyley, love why didn’t you tell me? The Ole Bill was ‘ere.’

  ‘I tried to but you were that mad that you couldn’t listen, my room is tidy anyway.’

  ‘Come ere.’

  I cuddle ‘er and she bawls.

  ‘Here sit down wiv me and tell me all about it.’

  ‘I was on my way to school right, and you know Acorn way, well there’s this man right, in his pyjamas staggering around, he was well old.’

  ‘Was anyone else about?’

  ‘No that was what was well weird like, the place was deserted, jus me an this ole geezer.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘Well when e sees me e gets all excited like, pointing to me and trying to say stuff but when e tries to talk I don’ understand a blooming word he says, es got some sort of odd accent, then I realise es Irish.’

  ‘Irish in Acorn way?’

  ‘Yeah he looked about 90.’

  ‘Oh my God that’s Mr. O’Conner, e’s had a stroke’

  ‘Yeah that what the amblance man told me.’

  ‘So what appened next?’

  ‘Well I tried to calm im down got im to sit on his garden wall, but he was finding it ard to breathe, e kept trying to tell me somethink.’

  ‘What like?’

  ‘E said or it sounded like his wife was out and it was cold. He looked real bad so I phoned 999 from my mobile.’

  ‘Oh Kyley I’m so sorry I ad a go at you.’

  ‘Well the amblance was on its way, but I couldn’t just leave im there, could I? I knew I’d miss my exam but I thought whatever! It’s only a mock.’

  ‘What appened next?’

  ‘Well he kep trying to tell me to go into his ouse but I wasn’t aving none of that.’

  ‘Too right! An then?’

  ‘The amblance came and they checked im over and tole me he’d ad lots of strokes and tole me he would be ok now. They was taking him to Basildon ospital. But he was aving none of it, he kept pointing to his ouse and I told the amblance people that e’d kep trying to tell me somethink about his wife being out in the cold.’

  ‘Oh Kyley my love.’

  ‘What is it?

  ‘The ole bill tole me what you did, and tole me what appened next.’

  ‘What appened?’

  ‘You went off and when the amblance men went into is ouse they found is wife dead on the floor, she’d ad heart attack.’

  ‘Oh my God.’

  ‘Yeah but you did a good job my love.’

  ‘Yeah but that poor old man, what’s gonner appen to im now?’

  ‘Ole bill said his daughters are looking after him now, I knew is daughters right snotty cows they were too. The local Comp wasn’t good enough for them, they went to that private Convent. They don’t live around ere no more.’

  ‘Well Mum who can blame em eh?

  ‘It’s not that bad Kyley, is it?’

  ‘Well mum I’ve bin finking, I felt really sorry for im and I did the right fing by im.’

  ‘Yeah Kyley I’m proud of you.’

  ‘So you see I’ve made my mind up, I’m going to work real hard now and become a nurse.’

  ‘A nurse?’

  ‘Yeah why not eh?’

  And I thinks to myself it’s an ill wind…


  ‘Cos mum there ain’t no more jobs at Woollies!’

  Yeah says I to myself, but you were too good for Woollies anyway!

  But later I finks to myself what was she doing all afternoon?

  THE WINE, THE WITCH AND HER WARDROBE

  Mary sat alone on the sofa in the conservatory sipping a glass of wine, it was Halloween and this was the first year that she hadn’t even bothered to carve a pumpkin. She could see the flames from next door’s bonfires and imagined the children dressed up and having fun. Her children were leading lives of their own now and her husband Niall was gone. Not passed away, no far worse he was happily married to her ‘best’ friend Eilish and was living in the splendour of a mansion in Blackrock. Eilish had done very well out of her divorce settlement, Mary wished she could say the same. Niall always called Mary an old witch, but if she had been a witch she would have turned Niall and Eilish into toads long ago.

  She walked to the hall and looked at herself in the mirror; she wasn’t that bad looking for 48. She had a few bulges around her middle, but her legs were shapely and her breasts weren’t that saggy. She could probably find another man if she tried hard enough, but she was fed up of men, she had been betrayed by her husband and hurt so badly. She had told her friends that in future all she needed was a man who could be kept in her wardrobe, to be taken out whenever she needed him. The man would be returned to the wardrobe when he stopped being useful, where he would have to wait until she needed him again.

  She continued gazing at herself in the mirror and then remembered an old wives tale about making a wish on All Hallows eve. She felt daft but there was no one to overhear or see her.

  The next morning the alarm went off at the usual time. Mary dragged herself to a sitting position and then she caught sight of herself in her wardrobe mirrors and couldn’t believe her eyes. Her hair was long, black and glossy and when she lifted her long white cotton night-dress she found that her slightly past its best body had been replaced by a body that Elle Macpherson would be envious of. Then she noticed that her bedroom was stacked with boxes and when she opened one she saw that it was a case of 12 bottles of the finest Chablis. There was a note in the box-